


I have died every day waiting for you

by AutisticMob



Series: Killugon Week 2020 [5]
Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Background Relationships, Bittersweet, Canon Compliant, Dialogue Light, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Jewish Character, LGBTQ Jewish Character(s), M/M, Muslim Character, Mutual Pining, One Shot, Post-Canon, Pre-Relationship, Sort Of, Texting, Trans Character, Trans Male Character, Vignette
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-07
Updated: 2020-05-07
Packaged: 2021-03-02 17:07:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,167
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24060313
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AutisticMob/pseuds/AutisticMob
Summary: Day 5 of Killugon Week.Prompt(s): SeparationA short sequence of snapshots of Gon and Killua's lives after parting ways, and before they meet again.
Relationships: Gon Freecs/Killua Zoldyck
Series: Killugon Week 2020 [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1725532
Kudos: 22





	I have died every day waiting for you

“Are you nervous?” Alluka asked. 

“A little.”

_‘I wish Gon were here,’_ was what he wanted to say, but he couldn’t bring himself to, because it was pointless. Gon wasn’t there, and he knew that wishing wouldn’t bring him back. 

“You should tell Gon! He’ll be so happy for you!”

Leorio patted Alluka on the head before turning back to Killua. “It’s okay. It hurts a little, but only for a bit. You can close your eyes if it’ll make you feel any better.”

Killua chewed his lower lip and squeezed his eyes closed. It was as though an eternity passed in between the moment when he closed his eyes and when the needle went into his thigh, followed by a pinch of pain and a strange, warm sensation spreading throughout the muscle. 

“You can open your eyes,” Leorio said as he clapped Killua on the shoulder. 

“Congrats! Your first T shot! We should celebrate somehow…”

“Lemme text Gon,” Killua told him, producing his phone. 

‘Just got my first T shot...hope you’re doing well.’

He stared at the message for a few seconds before he deleted the last part, a sigh slipping from his lips as he leaned back against the chair. 

“Wanna go out for dinner tonight? Kurapika’s working late, so unfortunately he can’t come with us.”

Killua shrugged. “Sure.”

  


* * *

  


Gon had started back at school again. It was strange, walking through the hallways he’d roamed for the years before suspending his school career to hunt for Ging. 

Things had finally settled down, although that wasn’t saying much considering he was one of just three students in his grade, and about twelve in the entire school. 

Every day after school, he’d retreat to his bedroom to do his nightly homework and practice visualizing his Nen. 

He never saw it, but Ging had given him hope that it hadn’t disappeared. Maybe it would just be a while until it returned.

Maybe. 

He was almost sixteen and it still hadn’t come back, and Ging had once again disappeared, leaving Gon in the same place he’d been in three years ago. 

Killua messaged him that he’d started T, and Gon beamed with pride at his accomplishment. Much like Killua, he’d started his as well, although it had been several months since he’d started and his body wasn’t changing fast enough. 

‘congrats!’

  


* * *

  


Killua and Alluka returned to the Republic of Padokea to try and heal some old wounds, but Killua still felt empty as they walked the streets at night and ate the strange and wonderful street foods served there. They toured the desert and the savannah, surrounded by faces that reminded him too much of Gon. 

At night, in the feverish state between sleep and wake, Killua texted Gon again. 

‘I saw someone who looked like you today.’

On their final day, Killua found himself eager to leave. They flew to Heaven’s Arena, and Killua roamed the halls to relive the moments with Gon he’d taken for granted. 

He found no relief in fighting again, but at least it distracted him. Newfound strength coursed through his body after having been on testosterone for several months now, his muscles strengthening and his endurance rising. He kept in shape because he liked being healthy, but deep down he knew it was because he didn’t want Gon to find someone else. 

  


* * *

  


Gon submerged himself back into the culture he’d long been separated from, a painful reminder of his father’s heritage. Still, the tribal leaders were kind to him, and they all spoke the Universal Language like he did. On the days he didn’t spend exploring the forest and collecting its plants to eat and use as medicine and to bring home for Mito’s backyard garden, he studied the language he’d lost. ‘ _kia ora_ 1 killua!’

He celebrated his second birthday away from Killua, unnerved by the emptiness he felt inside. 

That night, he looked in the mirror and noticed the line of small, dark hairs that had started growing on his chin and along his jawline, and anxiety bubbled up into his stomach. 

  


* * *

  


Alluka had her _Bat Mitzvah_ 2 at Kurapika’s temple downtown, and Killua couldn’t draw his mind away from the thought of how much Gon would’ve enjoyed the celebration, and how happy he would’ve been for Alluka, finally growing into the young girl she wanted to be. 

A few days later, they got on an airship and flew across the ocean to the Begerosse Union, where the weather was hot and the skies at night were so impossibly clear that he could see constellations he didn’t even know existed. 

Could Gon see them too?

‘The stars are beautiful here.’

  


* * *

  


He could. 

On a cloudless, warm night in summer, he and Mito went outside to break their daily fast with an _iftar_ 3 meal, and Gon stared up at the stars. Memories of the time he’d sat under them with Killua flooded his mind, and he swore he felt the warmth of the fire against his face. 

His phone vibrated in his pocket, and he opened it to check his messages, much to Mito’s chagrin. 

“Gon!” She scolded. 

“Sorry, Aunt Mito. Killua just texted me, and I should answer.”

Mito sighed but didn’t protest. She knew how much his relationship with Killua meant to him. 

‘here too. remember when we watched that meteor shower together?’

‘How could I forget? And you told me the names of the constellations you made up when you were a kid.’

A tear rolled down Gon’s cheek and onto the blanket spread on the grass beneath him. 

‘hey, now that schools out for me...can i come visit you?’

‘I’m sure leorio and kurapika miss you. It’s been over two years. They always say how my little sister and I ought to stop by sometime, but…’

What was he afraid of? Did he think that if they went, he’d never want to leave? Did he think that he’d want to stay with Gon forever and never let him slip away again?

He was right. 

That was what he wanted. He knew he wouldn’t be able to keep himself from coming up with excuses as to why they should stay just a few more days, and those days would stretch into weeks and then months, and he and Alluka would never finish up their continent-hopping journey, taking in all the world had to offer. 

It was best for Gon to come to him instead, even if the city made him homesick. 

It’d be easier to leave. It’d be easier for him to find some kind of excuse to go home. 

‘Yeah. You should come and see us soon. Alluka and I are going back to Yorbia in a couple days to visit Kurapika and Leorio for a few weeks.’

‘ill call you tomorrow morning.’

Killua’s lip trembled at the thought of hearing Gon’s voice again, soft and kind and full of all the love that spilled out from his too-big heart. 

‘Okay. Talk to you then.’

**Author's Note:**

> 1\. An informal Maori word that means 'hello'; kind of like 'hi' in English. Back
> 
> 2\. A Jewish coming-of-age ceremony for a girl once she reaches 12 years old (13 in some cases). Back
> 
> 3\. The nightly meal eaten to end a Muslim's daily fast at Ramadan. Back


End file.
